


Did You Say It?

by TheSassyWitchOfTheNortheast



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 16:06:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6121972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSassyWitchOfTheNortheast/pseuds/TheSassyWitchOfTheNortheast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Killian wrote Emma a letter before he fully became Dark Hook in Storybrooke. (Set after his death at the lakeside)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Did You Say It?

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the video "Did You Say it" by sailinggships on youtube and the quote below.
> 
> (the letter is in italics)
> 
> (For added pain, listen to Sleeping At Last’s cover of “Already Gone” or “The Light” by The Album Leaf)

**_“Did you say it? ’I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."_ **

* * *

 

Their white picket fence life was right in front of her, the gray stucco, white trimming and pristine glass windows of a house never lived in. Now it mocks her more than ever, strangling her as she tries to stay steady, tries to breathe.

She has never felt more alone, abandoned, than she does now. Standing in the dark of night, chilled to the bone, with the closest thing to an engagement ring she will ever receive from the love of her life. 

It burns through her skin, the metal of the band scorching a pattern into her left ring finger. She had slipped it on during the walk back to her home - what was to be their home. He would be the last man, the only man to have her heart. It had belonged to him before she ever realized and it would be his even in death.

The vision she had in her head of returning to the old Victorian was nothing like the reality she now faces. Killian was supposed to walk up the staircase with her, a lightness in their hearts and a drag in their steps as they lean on each other. But now her limbs weigh heavy as she embarks up the steps alone, fingers tracing the siding and emptiness consuming her. An emptiness that only grows stronger as she opens the front door. What was meant to be a new beginning is now an excruciating reminder of the life they will never have. It gnaws at her insides when she spots the telescope, the ache in her chest growing with every footfall, a broken sigh escaping when she spies an unaccounted for envelope perched up on its side. 

It’s tattered and torn around the edges, but the swirling letters of her name are untouched. Clean and clear and staring back at her, as though every particle and piece of Killian’s love had found a home right there on the page. And maybe it has. Maybe that’s where it resides now, in a folded up letter that didn't follow him into Hell. Her fingers tremble as she unfolds the paper, careful not to rip it more in her rush to read his last words to her. 

The scribbling of his distinct handwriting -the way he swirled the “E” of her name, the “S” of Swan and the elegance of the word “love” - rips apart her already too frail heart.  _ Emma, My Swan, My Love.  _ The whites of her eyes instantly red as she reads the first line over and over again. Willing her mind to hear his voice and not her own.

Her feet move without notice, stopping when she reaches the couch. She can feel herself slowly slinking down, melting into the cushions of the sofa and her hand presses against her lips in an effort to stop herself from crying.

_ I’m not sure what to say to you, but I know I cannot fight against this darkness inside for much longer and I need you to know...Emma I need you to know that I love you. I meant what I said last night; I love you despite what you have done, to us - to me. I won’t lie and say I’m not angry because I am, Swan, I am so angry with you. But I also understand why you did what you did and I can’t say that if the roles were reversed that I wouldn’t have done the same. If I was the one having to watch you die - if it was you instead of me - _

She tries to breathe, blinking through steadily falling tears as she pictures him hunched over his desk in the captain’s quarters, or wherever he ran to, frantically scribbling out words on a paper in his haste to ensure she knew how he felt. There are tears stains on the yellowed paper that are too old to be her own and her heart breaks even more. He was fighting a lost war and still his first thought was her.

_ What this demon will make me do, there is only one way to stop it and I…There is only one way that this will end and I know, I know you will defeat the darkness. But that also means you will lose me and I need you to know that never in a thousand centuries would I ever want to leave you. Emma, you are and will always be the thing, the person, I love most in this world or the next. This darkness in us both, I can feel it changing my heart and I hope it cannot warp what I feel for you. But in the event it does, I never want you to doubt how I truly feel for you, how deep my love for you runs, how you’ve changed my life, how desperately I want that future with you. _

_ This is not how I imagined our ending, not that I hoped there would be one. All I’ve wanted since the day I knew I had fallen in love with you - when you kissed me in the godforsaken jungles of Neverland - was to grow old with you. To marry you, to someday have children of our own, to fall asleep every night with you in my arms and our love scattered in pictures on the wall. _

_ But after everything that’s happened between us, I’m starting to think that maybe my fate was not what I had imagined. Perhaps, I am not the man - perhaps I am not your True Love, Swan. Though I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are mine, the bloody love of my very long life. But maybe I am not yours. Maybe my part in your life was to help you open your heart to love again and nothing more.  And whether or not that is true please do not mourn my death for long, Emma. Go find love again, because, god, does it feel extraordinary to be loved by you. _

She should have shown him more, should have told him sooner. And maybe if she had, he wouldn’t have doubted the importance he has -  _ had _ \- in her life. The unspoken, unbreakable connection that they had had since the beginning, something she will never be able to have with anyone other than Killian. But now it's too late, he is gone and Emma will never again have the chance to prove to him that he was her One True Love. Her soul mate. That though the love he felt from her was extraordinary, to be with him was something unearthly all in its own.

_ For a woman who has dealt with so much heartache, your capacity to love astounds me. You love with your whole self, every beautiful and broken part of you, and it’s the most incredible thing to witness, to feel. Don’t deny others the same privilege I’ve had by closing up your heart again. I love you, Emma. I love you more than anything and all I want is for you to find the happiness you so rightly deserve. _

_ To see you smile, my love, is like seeing the sun for the first time. To feel the warmth of summer after months of frigid winter. I have seen many things in my life, held priceless jewels in my hand and yet none of it compares to you. There’s nothing I treasure more than those moments when I got to see you smile and hear your laugh. _

_ Do you remember when Zelena had first arrived, after we tried to summon Cora and you and I retreated to Granny’s? You were sitting at the counter and you magicked your hot chocolate atop the book I had open. You were so free in that moment, so light hearted. I swear if I close my eyes and picture that night, I can still hear your infectious giggle when you poofed my hook off. _

_ Or our many dates. The first, the fifth, the last. You so easily took my breath away, love. Everytime, without fail, you’d sing your siren’s song and I was helpless to break your spell. Every lift of your lips as they pulled into that gorgeous smile of yours, every crinkle that formed by your eyes when you laughed, even that little arch in your brow when I made some kind of innuendo, the sheets of my bed at the Inn rolling like waves against your skin, those memories are the ones I’ve held on to, that have left a mark on my heart. The memories I’ve gone back to these past three weeks since our return from Camelot. _

She remembers every one of those nights so clearly. It was in those moments that Emma had fallen even more in love with him. The way he had looked at her on their first date, like she’d hung the moon and stars. His kiss outside the door of the loft, so unlike any other they had shared before. Like he finally let himself feel every inch of his love for her, like he was no longer afraid. No longer holding back. 

The way he had been so gentle with her the night of their fifth date. The lights of his room dimmed low as he hovered above her. The coldness of his rings such a contrast to the heat of her skin. The soft caress of his hand against her cheek, her ribs, her hip. She would never be the same after that night, would never again to able to love another the way she loved him. (And he, her.)

_ There’s so much more I want to say to you, so many things I want you to know before I’m gone but the darkness is creeping in and I know I don’t have much more time. So I will leave you with this: _

_ Emma Swan, you have changed my life in ways I never deemed possible. You gave me back the light, you healed my heart and helped me become a man I know my brother would be proud of. There will never be enough words to describe how thankful and honored I am to have met you, to have been able to love you and be loved by you - even for this brief time. _

_ Win this battle, my love, defeat the darkness no matter the cost and know that regardless of where I am or who I am - I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. I am yours until the end of time. _

_ Be strong, my Swan. _

His letter plummets to the floor, her sobs no longer silent in the vast emptiness of her home. She can feel her heart shattering with every word she reads, every confession of his undying love for her. It’s the same feeling she had at the lake, after plunging Excalibur into his gut and watching the life drain from his skin, his heartbeat cease beneath her palm. Only now it’s amplified, bursting out from the tarnished metal on her finger. It’s the last anchor to her lost sanity. Her last piece of him, of her heart. 

The exhaustion that rattles her bones pulls her down, her head falling against the seat of the sofa as she twists the ring between her fingers. There is no life without him, no clear vision of a future without his comforting embrace, and in this moment she vows to never move from her spot until death takes her back to him. 


End file.
